Angelic Demons in the Shadows
by Tabi
Summary: Glacecest. Marron muses on Carrot, while waiting for him to come to bed. Carrot probably doesn't know the sorts of things his brother thinks of, but in the end, does it really matter?


~Angelic Demons in the Shadows~

I wonder what you'd look like in an angel's guise?

An angel... ah, how the others might ridicule me for my thoughts. You, an angel... my brother, barely the angelic kind. Indeed, my brother with the Destruction God inside of him... the anti-angel, more of a devil than anything else... to anybody else...

Still, with me, you're quiet... when you're with me, you don't need to bother with the energy you spend to try to impress others... often by the time you reach me, you're more tired than anything. I'm waiting for you, niisan. It's dark outside, it's been dark for quite some time... I wonder where you are at the moment? I retired to bed just a little early, but... I usually do, you know that. The others do too. Gateau's often commented on it, saying I wake up too early and go to sleep too early and I should at least stay up until midnight with him at _some_ point...

I won't sleep just yet. It's late, in a way. Early to the others, but late to me... _you're_ late... though, of course, you don't have a reason to pull away from the others... and maybe Tira and Chocolat would worry about you, wonder if you were feeling under the weather, wonder if you were ill...

This bed is too cold without you, niisan! Come to bed, please...

Even if I voice my thoughts, it's only to an empty room. A room that's empty without you. So while you're absent, I let my thoughts entertain me. Thoughts of you, naturally.

These sheets are cool against my body... moving around underneath them, I don't feel any warmer for the movement. Maybe I need a heavier blanket... the year progresses, nights become colder, and I long for heat, for warmth... for _you_, niisan. I need you, you _know_ I need you.

You need me.

You _need_ me.

How much I treasure that word. The angel in my thoughts _needs_ me. My brother has needs, and I satisfy them. He has needs, and he needs me... and I need him also, and to satisfy his needs, I find my own are conquered also... for what other happiness could I desire than that of you with me, losing yourself in my arms, crying for a release only I may grant you?

Less eloquently, you're the one who'd most likely describe me as an angel. You've tried before, of course. Lying there together in bed, when it's cold, when the fire in the grate has extinguished itself, and I suggest lighting it, but you want to remain in the dark for just a little longer... times like that when it's just us in the darkness... to see the fire dance upon your body, I crave the flames that weave flickering orange and yellow upon your skin, shadows that roam over you as hungry as my own touch, but with none of the feeling... sometimes we crave the light, sometimes we crave the shadow.

The shadows are what we are forced to retreat to, aren't they?

You and I... we live by the night. We live for the night. By day, we live... by night, we're _alive_...

The base desires we have to hide from everybody else that we could never hope to hide from each other... then there's that again, the _need_... sometimes, we don't even need words. A kiss illustrates from you to me... a picture tells a thousand words, but a thousand words would fall so short of how we might describe each other... so instead, we speak a body language of kiss and touch and pleasure so delicious we might die... how can the others realise that kind of relationship? Or understand it? Or condone it?

They don't have to know.

In the shadows... if that's where we have to be, then that's where I'll stay, with you. We're not hiding there, we're just... we're there to protect the others. It'd cause them pain. We're not ready for _that_.

It's dark in here at the moment, niisan. You're outside there with the others, likely talking to them, a last conversation before bedtime... I see light marking the outline of the door, from the lights in the corridor outside. And you'll step inside, won't you... step from the light to the darkness, and accept my embrace, and you won't want to leave, and I won't want to let you go... oh, niisan.

That time we sat there, and you said I was like an angel. I was amused, niisan. An angel? Such a dark and twisted figure, one who'd lust after his brother... you said you didn't care. I was somebody who always protected you, who'd do anything to make sure you were alright... which is true. I'd do anything for you, niisan. Even if it took my life, as long as you were protected and safe... I'd give anything. Maybe the only thing that makes you uneasy, you _know_ I'd die for you... as simple a fact as humans need air, and my breath is for you. So you said I was like a guardian angel, and you made me blush. Silly romantic brother... but I still held you tightly.

You went on, wondering what kind of wings I'd have. Bigger than Dota's. Maybe something like Sirius', but... I think the words you used were 'golden' and 'shiny, really shiny'. I waited for you to continue, asked you if you wanted to continue, but you just _looked_ at me, and it was as if you wanted to cry... your lips couldn't speak the words and your tongue didn't know them, but your heart did... and I felt the warmth of your body, the desperation of your touch, the heat of your kiss... you didn't need to speak the words, niisan. I could feel them as keenly as you.

Then the time, a little later on, you said you knew exactly how to describe - or at least _show_ - how I'd be like as an angel. You took me to the dresser, sat me in front of the mirror, pointed to my reflection. You whispered in my ear, '_All you need is wings..._', I looked to you to tell you my feelings... your hand on my shoulder, I placed my hand over yours, '_I have you..._'... and those few words, spoken so quietly but so sincerely... they were the treasured truth.

We have our needs, but we also have each other, and we can satiate and satisfy each other... so, we treasure it all. Not a kiss is wasted, with you I'm so painfully _aware_... it exhilarates me, niisan. How is it that your touch awakens such feelings within me? How is it that I turn you into something even you can't control any longer? You love to give yourself to me like that; when you turn into a monster, Tira and Chocolat tame you with whips and leather... you turn into something else with me, don't you niisan? Though, not with whips or leather do I tame you... I tame you with kindness and pleasure, and it's just as potent as those violent attacks. I leave you just as bruised, but I heal you with as much sincerity, and it becomes it's own loving act in itself. That moment of pain, the marks on your body... I cause them and I heal them. I start it and I end it. And you pull me over onto the bed, ready again once more... and I don't deny you, not at all.

In my dreams, we're both angels. Angels who'd wrap each other in feathery wings, enshrouding us in our own world, the world of each other we could live happy in for the rest of our lives... you talk of me as an angel, so I wonder what you'd be like in the same situation. An angel. You with the wings... perhaps they'd suit you more than you might imagine, niisan. The darkness of a being with demon wings... for the things I feel, sometimes I wonder if it should be _I_ as the demon.

For so long, I thought like that. You, with the demon inside you, but... I had a demon of kinds within me also, the feelings for you... you, my _brother_... what kind of person would carry such feelings within them?

I would. I would, niisan.

Somehow you responded to my feelings. Nights spent alone together gravitated to nights spent together... nights that were lonely, we realised that we weren't, not really. I, who loved you so much... you cried, you didn't know what to do with such a degree of love. What did I want from you? What was there that you could give me to redress the balance? You felt so flawed, and yet I was wholly satisfied to receive just what you could give me, in whatever way you could...

I was wholly satisfied...

I was satisfied...

No, I wasn't.

There was always more that I wanted. Every moment of kindness would be a double-edged sword... I'd revel in the happiness I took from the kindness you gave me, and then frustrated tears would soak into my pillow come the night, knowing that I wanted more, feeling ungrateful... as my brother, what more could there be? Surely I should have been happy with such a relationship, safe in the knowledge that we meant so much to each other as brothers, surely that should have been enough... but it wasn't, and that made me feel terrible...

Niisan, you still don't know of the pain I went through during that time. I barely acknowledge it now, it's just something that was, something I can forget... time has passed, feelings have deepened, and may I dare risk to think that your feelings might be just as deep as that which I feel? I can't know that, but... from the way you are... from the looks you give me, from the... just from the way you _are_... surely these are the deepest things we can feel...

The body language we use. The warmth of skin against naked skin, the way a touch makes us gasp, the way another makes us shudder... it's a language only we may understand, but that's how I appreciate it, niisan. The way I'll pull you to me, my hands slipping over your shoulders, holding you tightly... the way you seem to melt back into my embrace... the way you lean your head on my shoulder, and look up, your eyes closed... and if you open them, they're eyes that don't see, but you sense me, and you can feel me, and the kind of pained pleasure on your face, in your eyes...

Every time I see you, I feel I learn something more about you... even if it's just the way your eyes flicker in a certain way, or the brush of the hair on the back of your neck against my fingers... I want to learn all about you, niisan. Study your body and learn it's ways, become a student of lust, a prisoner of desire, a slave of pleasure... and have you with me to experience such things...

I'm glad we can do such things, niisan. Being able to communicate without words has it's benefits... we're not always able to speak.

My mind wanders... the room is still quiet, the bed is still cold, you still haven't come in for the night. Please... soon... _soon_... please, be here... I grow more and more uneasy as time passes, though I know nothing would happen... only you becoming sidetracked, and not being able to get away from _them_... try harder, niisan. Get away from them. Come to me. Be with me. Stay with me. With _me_.

Caught in a kind of desperate wrestle, you and I pressed frantically together, my legs wrapped half over you, somewhat entwined against your legs, your legs the same... your hips move against me, mine against yours as we'd roll around on the bed... the sheets would disturb themselves, but we wouldn't care... holding to each other so _tightly_, a hand over your shoulders and one holding the back of your head, pressing as hard as I dare so as not to hurt you, your arms around my neck, fingers pressing against my shoulders... my fingers stroking against your hair, barely even _realising_... every place our bodies met would be warm, hot, hotter... I'd try to pull you on top of me, you'd try to pull me below you, the thought would flee from our minds, be reversed, and we wouldn't stop moving. We'd kiss as if we didn't know how to do anything _else_, savage and brutal, speaking our passion to each other in a language not of words.

Hands would roam, and I'd feel them against my back, the sensitive places I can't quite reach, making me arch against you... we'd writhe together like that, I'd still be trying to hold you and kiss you, and you'd be moaning against me... and perhaps you'd break from the kiss, and I'd hear your gasps and pants with a little more clarity, and my head would be pulled down to your neck, and I'd occupy myself there... I know what you like, niisan. The ways in which you like to be kissed, nipped, bitten, sucked... there's no pain when it comes to that, and any mark left there can be healed afterwards. We don't care about that. Pain is pain we give each other, and that's insignificant compared to what _else_ we give each other...

Anyone who'd see us might think us possessed. Conscious thought would be pushed to the side, and we'd be communicating on a deeper level. Maybe you could tell me what you wanted if you felt you needed to, but words are too slow, niisan. The cries I hear from you, the little noises you make which can only be described as _you_... those are all you can manage, and I _know_ from your tone and pitch and volume just how far you are, and how much further you might have to go...

Who else could grant you this, niisan? Who else could touch you in such ways? Who else could make you shiver so, make you cry out in such overwhelming emotion, reduce you to desire in human form, reduce us both to beings who'd exist only for each other's pleasure, take us to the mindset where orgasm is everything, hanging over us like an oppressing thundercloud... climax would be the goal, but also the end... how much can we experience before we reach that point? We experiment every time. How intense can we make that final burst of emotion? Every experience is a new one, testing and working to improve. I only want the best for you, niisan. I learn you to know you, and to take you further...

Who else might do such things?

Who else would be so concerned about you like this?

Might _they_ consider your feelings so deeply?

No doubt they'd watch you while you slept and wonder how much you might like this or that or something else, and wonder how much they could experiment... but how could _they_ have such a relationship with you? They _can't_ be as close to you as I am, niisan... by now, I should think myself safe, but... I don't want to give you up for anything, to anyone...

Show me somebody else who can bring you such feelings and take you so far, niisan. Show me other people you might smile so tenderly at, show me other people who you'd be with and cry for just for the happiness of _being_ with them... show me the people who'd hold you down and overpower you, then turn around within an instant and allow themselves to be overpowered... show me somebody else who'd give themselves to you as much as you'd give yourself to them, somebody else who's existence might indeed mean more to you than your own life itself - show me, _show_ me these people, niisan.

Show me them so that I may kill them.

For you, I'd kill. You _know_ that. For you, I'd die. But I would also kill. Not just the errant Sorcerer who'd dare to hurt you, anybody could speak of the psychosis that overtakes me when I see you hurt... but what should I do if you were seduced, if you were taken from me?

What should I do if you felt the same way?

I could kill. I should also have to consider your feelings... would it make you happy, for me to do such things?

Maybe you can't realise the depth of my feelings. Maybe I feel too deeply for you, but... I don't want to worry about such things. You and I, we have each other, and that's... that's enough, isn't it? You're happy as we are, are you not? Surely you'd tell me if you were unhappy... and if you _were_ unhappy, then... then we wouldn't _do_ the things we do without fail...

Perhaps I worry unnecessarily. The only thing that truly scares me is the thought of losing you... and to know that I suddenly wasn't enough for you, after so long, and after all I felt... that could kill me as swiftly as a murdering Sorcerer's spell. I work so hard to make myself enough for you, niisan. Nobody else would bother so much, would they? I am my own person, but I am also what you make me... it's not something I can describe. Maybe I really couldn't live without you. Maybe the little whispered promises of eternity are not things I want to take lightly. I almost wish we could talk seriously about such things, but I don't know if you _could_...

Maybe you don't think about things so deeply. Maybe you just let yourself _feel_... I wish I could be like that. Every feeling has a thousand related feelings to it, and some things can seem so complicated... and then it's morning, and the sun's shining in over our bedroom, and I open my eyes slowly to see you atop of me, and you smile down at me almost sneakily, and you kiss me... and it's suddenly so simple.

I love you.

How can it be more complicated than that? There's nothing more than that, nothing else than that. The phrase seems to express so little and so much, nothing and yet everything at once... and being with you, it's everything. I don't need to worry when I'm with you.

So where _are_ you... maybe you'll be here in a moment. Maybe you're just at the other end of the corridor. Maybe you've just passed the other rooms in the corridor, maybe you're approaching the door as I speak...

This silence is terrible, niisan. Where are you... I _have_ to know where you are... maybe I should go out to find you? I'm sure the others wouldn't mind, if I said that you needed your sleep, they'd understand... if I insisted it, they wouldn't argue...

My thoughts are suddenly shattered as I hear the slight sound of the doorhandle in the darkness; the light in the room increases just for a moment, I see your silhouette... my eyes aren't used to the light, I have to shield them momentarily. Then you shut the door, and the room is dark again. But it's different now... you're here. You're _here_. You're here in the shadows with me once more, my brother. Not with the others. Now, you spend time with me, with only _me_...

"Hey."

"... Niisan."

A pause before you explain yourself, "Sorry, got caught up talking to Tira n' Chocolat, Chocolat wouldn't let me go for ages..."

You trail off, it's just as I suspected. They tried to take you from me, didn't they... they don't stop. Chocolat, with her fruitless attempts of seduction... I'm surprised she's never tried to jump my brother while he sleeps, I don't know if she'd dare while I was in the room. I'll protect him from her. And Tira, so quiet in her feelings, hoping Carrot'll notice her, eventually... don't, niisan. Keep yourself focused on he who _really_ loves you. They'll realise their feelings can't compare someday, and...

... and...

... I don't know what'll happen. I don't know what they'll do, or what it'll do to them... perhaps as much as it'd kill me, it might kill them... but as fiercely as they want you, I... I'm just as fierce. I'll fight for you if needs be. I won't give you up.

"I see."

"Sorry."

You don't quite sound it, but... it's a frequent enough disturbance to be used to it already. We don't speak many words, but we don't _have_ to. I hear drawers moving in the darkness, see your form moving from moonlight to darkness... I suppose it couldn't be helped. We don't want to make them suspicious now, do we...

I see you stand in a patch of moonlight, your back towards me, naked and marvellous. I take the time just to watch you, watch you find a nightshirt, see you turn around... I snap out of those thoughts, as if you'd caught me doing something I shouldn't... but I know you wouldn't mind... it's just the kind of thing you also do. Some of the things you tell to me, suggest to me, explain to me... possibilities to make me shudder, niisan. You have quite a persuasive mouth on you.

I hear the creaking of the bed as you jump lightly onto it, I feel it compress beneath my feet, then bounce back up again. You take the moment to stay there like that, then fall into a crawl, crawling over to me... I feel you against my feet, against my legs, pressing your body down and against me, leaning your head against my chest, and looking up at me with such innocent eyes...

Ah, you're not as innocent as that, are you? Deceptive, aren't you... wide-eyed and innocent, thinking that maybe even _I_ wouldn't suspect you... not a salacious thought would pass through that mind, surely? I know you much better than that, niisan. Even as you look at me, you're considering ripping the nightshirt from my body, pushing me against the pillows, laying claim to me again and again and again until we can't even _speak_, let alone _move_...

Even if that's not what you're thinking of at all, I like to imagine it is.

Still you stare up at me. I look back down at you... what is it you want, niisan? I wait expectantly for you to speak, wrapping my arms around you... you roll around in my arms, now you're sat between my legs, which are wrapped around you... your back is against my chest, and you hold your arms by mine. Leaning back on my shoulder, you smile at me... a perfectly innocent smile, but... with you, nothing's innocent...

"So, uh... what do you want to _do_ tonight?"

Leaving the suggestion open to me now, are we niisan? I just let my eyes narrow, smiling at you with a smile just as pure, pure yet tainted...

"Whatever you want me to do, niisan..."

Innocence gone, you smirk, pulling back around for a kiss.

This bed is no longer cold, niisan. I'm no longer unsure, I'm no longer worried about you. I was foolish to be worried, it was only my own insecurities that made me so... I don't dismiss any of those feelings, I won't go back on such things... I'd die for you, kill for you, live for you, die for you... _anything_. I'd do anything and be anything for you, Carrot. Niisan. My brother. My everything.

For the moment, you seem to just need _me_. As I waited for you, as I am... you need me tonight, don't you? Dear brother, all those pent-up hormones you carry around with you... isn't it a burden, isn't it difficult? Unleash them on me, unleash it all on me - the passion, the desire, the sheer bestial lust... I'll receive it all with happiness. That selfish pleasure that comes from knowing that you chose _me_.

Even if we _do_ have to remain in the shadows. If that's the only place I can truly be with you, then... I'll stay here with you forever, if you're willing to do the same. I'd fight to keep you here... and maybe you'd find your guardian angel turned into a possessive demon who won't let you go... don't let me go, niisan. Don't risk it.

A kiss from you marks my neck, I gasp loudly... my thoughts can wait. For the moment, I'm here with you, and that's all that matters. My thoughts can wait, but my desire can't...

Let's retreat back to the place only we can take each other, niisan.

Let me take you there.

Take me there.

Take me.

~End~

****

Jan 22nd 2004


End file.
